overthinking my world

when i think about my life it seems such an empty space. like a desert. of course with its oasis and its specific magic.
for some reasons have been made to think about my own death in almost touchable way. have some bad feeling about what is going on with me, even in just physical way. and that was one of reasons what made me look inside myself. it looks so empty, pointless... if i would die right now, people who would probably miss me could be countable on 2 hand fingers from which one hand would be family. the man i love might now even miss me. well.. for that im guilty myself..i know that..maybe it hurts so much because i think he wouldn`t miss me. maybe it doesnt matter that other people wouldnt, but it hurts that he would not. i wish he would love me the way he did, i wish he would care about me the way he did..i wish he would miss me the way he did. but i have blown it all!
im an idiot. and its an awful thought to die with. but maybe it would be better that way, coz then i wouldnt bother his life and nobody other`s life..
maybe i`m like a 5th wheel in this world, where nobody ever needs me.

to my love...

world is soo empty when you turn your back on me... and soul is soo cold, so lonely, so forgotten when i dont see your smile, dont hear your voice, cant feel your eyes and you beside me! all feels so pointless when you push me away.
i`ve sinned..im trying to be better. im changing.
in all uncertainties couple things are clear and strong - i love you and i`m always here when you need me!
even when you cant answer with the same...