life is....

Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is bliss, taste it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.

Mother Teresa

Court's Disorder

These funny lines are real - Source Below! Imagine how everyone was obliged to remain calm and orderly during the exchange. Attorney: Are you sexually active?
Witness: No, I just lie there.

Attorney: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July 18th.
Attorney: What year?
Witness: Every year.

Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


Attorney: How old is your son, the one living with you?
Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Attorney: How long has he lived with you?
Witness: Forty-five years.


Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Attorney: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan.


Attorney: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
Witness: We both do.
Attorney: Voodoo?
Witness: We do.
Attorney: You do?
Witness: Yes, voodoo.


Attorney: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


Attorney: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old,
how old is he?
Witness: Uh, he's twenty-one.


Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Witness: Would you repeat the question?


Attorney: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And what were you doing at that time?
Witness: Uhm...


Attorney: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Attorney: Were there any girls?


Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?


Attorney: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Attorney: Was this a male or a female?


Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your Attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

!
Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


Attorney: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Witness: Oral.


Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!


Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Witness: Huh?


Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.
Attorney: But nevertheless could the patient have still been alive?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

thoughts

If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten the dogs.

I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.

One thing that makes me believe in UFOs is, sometimes I lose stuff.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

All great discoveries are made by mistake.

All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way.

All probabilities are really 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.

Robert Schmidt

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of grass.

I had amnesia once or twice.

There aren't enough days in the weekend.

She had a face lift, tummy lift, and buttock lift, and now she's two feet off the ground.

Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.

Steven Wright [2]

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and said, "Can I help you?" And I said "Yeah, do you got anything I like?" He said, "What do you mean do we have anything you like?" I said, "You started this."

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read in two different languages.

I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings. Whenever I get lonely I open it up just a bit and I get a call. One time I dropped the box all over the floor and the phone wouldn't stop ringing, so I had it disconnected. I bought a new phone though. I didn't have much money so I had to buy an irregular phone--it had no number 5 on it.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Steven, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . My calendar has no sevens on it."

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" And I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!

Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this [[[]]][[]][[[[. I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."

I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams showed up on TVs all over the world.

I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

[Referring to a glass of water] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... [Picks up his glass of water from the stool...] I like to live on the edge...

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot." I was upset because on my second birthday, I went from being one to being two, and my age doubled in a year. I figured at this rate, by the time I'm six, I'll be ninety.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... Eventually.

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

I lost a button hole today. Where am I gonna find another one?

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill, "I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month."

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen!

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

Steven Wright [1]

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading . . . And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time. [quote abt my love?? :ppp]

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one . . . It wasn't doing what I was doing.

He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world . . . Perhaps you've seen it.

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

maths one-liners

Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].

If parallel lines meet at infinity - infinity must be a very noisy place with all those lines crashing together!

Maths Teacher: Now suppose the number of sheep is x...
Student: Yes sir, but what happens if the number of sheep is not x?

Zenophobia: the irrational fear of convergent sequences.

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.

If I had only one day left to live, I would live it in my statistics class: it would seem so much longer.

log(-1) = 0

Theorem: log(-1) = 0
Proof:
a. log[(-1)^2] = 2 * log(-1)

On the other hand:
b. log[(-1)^2] = log(1) = 0

Combining a) and b) gives:
2* log(-1) = 0
Divide both sides by 2:
log(-1) = 0

All numbers are equal

Theorem: All numbers are equal.
Proof: Choose arbitrary a and b, and let t = a + b. Then

a + b = t
(a + b)(a - b) = t(a - b)
a^2 - b^2 = ta - tb
a^2 - ta = b^2 - tb
a^2 - ta + (t^2)/4 = b^2 - tb + (t^2)/4
(a - t/2)^2 = (b - t/2)^2
a - t/2 = b - t/2
a = b

So all numbers are the same, and math is pointless.

1 + 1 = 2

Theorem: 1 + 1 = 2
Proof:
n(2n - 2) = n(2n - 2)
n(2n - 2) - n(2n - 2) = 0
(n - n)(2n - 2) = 0
2n(n - n) - 2(n - n) = 0
2n - 2 = 0
2n = 2
n + n = 2
or setting n = 1
1 + 1 = 2