funny quotes

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives.

It's 11PM, do you know where your pants are?

Whatever it is -- I didn't do it!

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

This is a quantum car. I don't know where I am, but I'm going really fast.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!