funny pm

# I'm being abducted by aliens. I'll see you yesterday!
# I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on eBay
# Chocolate makes my clothes shrink!
*Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark
Real life needs a search function... I need my socks.
I run with scissors... makes me feel dangerous!
I'm a leader, not a follower
I'm not going to change who I am for other people.
Limitation and defeat must never be accepted, truly admirable are those who turn adversity into a personal victory
Cooler than cool, Stronger than diamonds!
Living in the brightest sunshine, and loving every minute.
Don't like my attitude? Call 1800-KISS-MY-ASS
Unite against togetherness!
Reality Sucks! Iâm Gonna Keep On Dreamin
If your name was homework, I'd be doing you on my desk right now...
By the time you read this, you've already read it
Don`t steal, the government hates competition
When life hands you a lemon, break out the tequila and the salt!
I`ve lost my phone number, can I have yours?
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but milk do?
Gravity always wins
There are some that are wise and others that are otherwise
Buy land, they have quit making it!
I'm not suffering from insanity, I'm enjoying every minute of it
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once
What happens if you get scared half to death... twice?
Smile, it makes people wonder what you're up too..
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most
Children in the dark cause accidents. Accidents in the dark cause children
Panties aren't a mans best friend, but they are next to it
All generalizations are false
A clean dwelling place is the sign of a disturbed mind
This isn't school! This is Hell with fluorescent lighting
Next week there can't be any crisis. My schedule is full already
War does not determine who is right... but who is left
If you are drinking to forget, pay in advance
If at first you do not succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried
In the event of an emergency landing why do the people in the pamphlet look so calm?
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights do make a left
3 words to ruin a guys ego..is it in??
You can better lose a lover than love a loser
I'm only crazy when other people cant stand that I'm right
Me breaking the rules? No. I test their elasticity
Geniuses are never understood in their own lifetimes
You can trust the government, just ask the Indians
Everybody makes mistakes, that`s why they put erasers on pencils
People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do
Bad Spellers Untie!
Those who know do not say, those who say do not know

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:
two Italian men and one Italian woman
two French men and one French woman
two German men and one German woman
two Greek men and one Greek woman
two English men and one English woman
two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
two American men and one American woman
two Irish men and one Irish woman

One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and another long look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor/ convenience store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, because the American woman keeps on complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, all the sales she's missing, how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining. The American woman, meanwhile, watches the men fart and scratch.

The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey. But they're satisfied, because at least the English aren't having any fun.

The Cookie Thief

This is to a scenario encouraging us not to rush into judgments.

A woman was waiting at an airport one night With several long hours before her flight. She hunted for a book in the airport shop Bought a bag of cookies and found a place to drop. She was engrossed in her book but happened to see That the man beside her as bold as could be Grabbed a cookie or two from the bag between Which she tried to ignore to avoid a scene. She munched cookies and watched the clock As this gutsy cookie thief diminished her stock.

She was getting more irritated as the minutes ticked by Thinking "If I wasn't so nice I'd blacken his eye". With each cookie she took he took one too And when only one was left she wondered what he'd do. With a smile on his face and a nervous laugh He took the last cookie and broke it in half.

He offered her half as he ate the other She snatched it from him and thought "Oh brother, this guy has some nerve and he's also rude Why he didn't even show any gratitude".

She had never known when she had been so galled and sighed with relief when her flight was called. She gathered her belongings and headed for the gate Refusing to look back at the thieving ingrate. She boarded the plane and sank in her seat Then sought her book which was almost complete. As she reached in her baggage she gasped with surprise There was her bag of cookies in front of her eyes:

"If mine are here" she moaned with despair "Then the others were his and he tried to share"

"Too late to apologize she realized with grief" That she was the rude one, the ungrateful, the thief

deep silence

sometimes you are surrounded with such silence that you can hear your brain cells working and sending impulses, you hear your thoughts moving through your body and stucking in mind.
sometimes you look outside the window, see lonely streets, snow all everywhere, cars standing at the roadside, latern lights and no alive beings. you look outside in the night and feel like time has stopped. like there is infinity from beginning of the minute till its last second.
sometimes you feel like you are in wrong place and you should be somewhere else.
just a week left here in old flat. how old can flat be in which you`re living just half year. feel somehow sick from changing flats that often. maybe coz im doing that alone.
packing things, chaos, new place and new ways to usual places.
maybe its hard to move somewhere when you know that its not gonna be home for you. just a place to stay. for a while. till you`ll be able to be with person besides whom is your home.
one more thing discovered once more about myself - i work better in extreme situations.
even if i have some time to do something i`ll do that in the last moment [unless thats something i really really like or its important for me]. adrenalin? or just my craziness? let it be a secret of "trade-mark".
still surrounded by silence and listening to thoughts hitting walls of mind.

the biscuit factory story

the biscuit factory story (making assumptions, other people's perspectives, individual needs and motivations)

This is a true story. Some years ago the following exchange was broadcast on an Open University sociology TV programme.

An interviewer was talking to a female production-line worker in a biscuit factory. The dialogue went like this:

Interviewer: How long have you worked here?

Production Lady: Since I left school (probably about 15 years).

Interviewer: What do you do?

Production Lady: I take packets of biscuits off the conveyor belt and put them into cardboard boxes.

Interviewer: Have you always done the same job?

Production Lady: Yes.

Interviewer: Do you enjoy it?

Production Lady: Oooh Yes, it's great, everyone is so nice and friendly, we have a good laugh.

Interviewer (with a hint of disbelief): Really? Don't you find it a bit boring?

Production Lady: Oh no, sometimes they change the biscuits...

* Do not impose your own needs and ambitions on to other people who may not share them.
* Don't assume that things that motivate you will motivate someone else.
* Recognise that sources of happiness may vary widely between people.

the train travellers story

the train travellers story (relationships, assumptions, etc)

A wealthy businessman who is used to getting his own way finds himself sharing a sleeper compartment with a beautiful young woman as they travel to Brussells on the train. It is winter and the heating is not working so the compartment is cold.

The two settle down to sleep.

"Two strangers, on a train..." says the businessman.

"Yes," says the woman.

"A man and a woman - away from home - probably never meet again.." Says the businessman.

"Yes," says the woman.

"It's cold, isn't it?" says the businessman.

"Yes," says the woman.

"Could you pass me another blanket?" says the businessman, "... Or maybe we could pretend to be man and wife for tonight?.."

"Yes, that would be good," says the woman, "Get your own bloody blanket."

the very old lady story

the very old lady story (positive attitude, self-image, ageism)

A very old lady looked in the mirror one morning. She had three remaining hairs on her head, and being a positive soul, she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today." So she braided her three hairs, and she had a great day.

Some days later, looking in the mirror one morning, preparing for her day, she saw that she had only two hairs remaining. "Hmm, two hairs... I fancy a centre parting today." She duly parted her two hairs, and as ever, she had a great day.

A week or so later, she saw that she had just one hair left on her head. "One hair huh...," she mused, "I know, a pony-tail will be perfect." And again she had a great day.

The next morning she looked in the mirror. She was completely bald.

"Finally bald huh," she said to herself, "How wonderful! I won't have to waste time doing my hair any more.."

the god and eve story - LOOOOL

the god and eve story (gender and sexual discrimination, equality, battle of the sexes debates, after-dinner speaking, etc)

"God, I've been thinking.." says Eve one day.

"What's on your mind Eve?" says God.

"Well, I know that you created me and this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful creatures, but lately I've been feeling that maybe there's more to life."

"Go on..." says God.

"Sometimes I get a bit bored - I fancy a bit of fun. And I get a bit fed up with all the heaving lifting and carrying, and warding off the mammoths and sabre-toothed tigers, not to mention that bloody snake. This garden can be dangerous place."

"I see," says God, pausing for thought.

"Eve, I have a cunning plan," says God, "I shall create Man for you."

"Man?" asks Eve, "What is Man?"

"Man..." says God, "Is a flawed creature. He will have many weaknesses and disgusting habits. Man will lie, cheat and behave like an idiot - in fact mostly he'll be a complete pain in the backside. But on the plus side he'll be big and strong, and will be able to protect you, and hunt and kill things, which might be handy sometimes. He will tend to lose control of mind and body when aroused, but with a bit training can reach an acceptable standard in the bedroom department, if you know what I mean."

"Hmm," says Eve, "Seems like this Man idea might be worth a try, but tell me God, is there anything else I need to know?"

"Just this," says God, "Man comes with one condition... In keeping with his arrogant, deluded, self-important character, Man will naturally believe that he was made first, and frankly we all have better things to do than argue, so you must keep all this a secret between us, if that's okay with you. You know, woman to woman.."

the stamp story

the stamp story (customer services, communications, product design, customer inertia)

The staff at an old people's home were puzzled when one of the residents began gargling with TCP. They asked her why but all she would say was that something had happened at the post-office. This is what actually occurred.

The old lady, who rarely ventured out, had visited the post office to post a letter.

She bought a stamp, and since there was a long queue behind her she stepped aside. She put her change in her purse, licked the stamp and put it on her letter. Despite pressing and thumping and licking it again, the stamp failed to stick.

"Excuse me, this stamp won't stick," said the old lady.

"You need to peel the paper off the back," explained the clerk.

The old lady put on her spectacles, fiddled for a few seconds to peel off the backing paper - and then licked the stamp again.

"It still won't stick," interrupted the old lady again.

"It's a self-stick stamp," said the assistant.

"Well this one isn't sticking at all - there's something wrong with it," demanded the old lady.

"Well it won't stick now because you've licked it."

"Well I'm totally confused now," said the old lady.

"Just give it here and I'll post it for you," said the cashier, and doing her best to explain continued, "These new stamps don't need licking. They are self-sticking. They save time. They are already sticky."

The old lady continued to look blankly at the assistant.

"Look," said the well-meaning but desperate post-office clerk, "Just imagine they've already been licked..."

Which sent the old lady scurrying out of the door and across the road to the chemist.

the bath and the bucket story

the bath and the bucket story (lateral thinking, making assumptions, dangers of judging people)

The story illustrates lateral thinking, narrow-mindedness, the risks of making assumptions, and judging people and situations:

A party of suppliers was being given a tour of a mental hospital.

One of the visitors had made some very insulting remarks about the patients.

After the tour the visitors were introduced to various members of staff in the canteen.

The rude visitor chatted to one of the security staff, Bill, a kindly and wise ex-policeman.

"Are they all raving loonies in here then?" said the rude man.

"Only the ones who fail the test," said Bill.

"What's the test?" said the man.

"Well, we show them a bath full of water, a bucket, a jug and an egg-cup, and we ask them what's the quickest way to empty the bath," said Bill.

"Oh I see, simple - the normal ones know it's the bucket, right?"

"No actually," said Bill, "The normal ones say pull out the plug. Should I check when there's a bed free for you?"