I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Woody Allen


Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

Dave Barry



If you are going through hell, keep going.

Winston Churchill



I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Mitch Hedberg


Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them.

Lily Tomlin



Shut up and talk.

Yogi Berra



I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

Emo Phillips